The female libido- How to improve it & why it's not where you'd like it to be
“I was completely deflated… I was told that it’s normal to loose my sex drive and there’s nothing that I can do to bring it back.”
When my beautiful clients come into clinic exasperated with answers like these from other health care providers it’s frustrating.
From being told “your partner’s not doing it right” to “you need a holiday,” it’s a topic that many health practitioners shy away from and really dread discussing with their patients and vice versa.
This awkward avoidance leads to a lack of open dialogue and real proper investigation around what might be causing the issues for you and whether there are solutions for improving your lack of drive.
However whether you’re stressed and looking to start a family, you’re a new mum or you’re going through menopause, improving your libido is not only a reasonable request, I want you to know there are things you can do!
Please remember this article is not intended to provide medical advice you should seek out one to one support with qualified practitioners.
Also I’ve created this post to get the ball rolling on the topic however it’s by no means exhaustive, the more I wrote the more I realised this health topic requires more than one post but here you will find an insight into what I do as a naturopath in the early stages to help my female patients improve their desire and hopefully some of these may get you thinking.
is my libido low?
I start here because there is no medical normal! Every woman is different and we all go through stages where libido fluctuates. Perhaps the concern starts when there’s an extended period of time (6 months or longer) with an absence or decrease in desire.
This is important to understand because there are certain medical conditions and circumstances which can impact your libido however let’s say you’ve always been a once a week kinda gal and you’re now wanting to move the needle on the desire scale that’s something else entirely.
Your level of desire is unique to you, and when we discuss sexual desire we’re not talking about your ability to climax or orgasm but instead where you’re at before there’s any physical touch or stimulation.
As one of my patients so beautifully put it, “I can’t get the engine turned on, let alone drive it from point A to point B”
So here are some questions that you might want to ask yourself:
Do you have the desire you wish you had?
Is your current level of desire different to how you felt the last time you were in a great place sexually?
Does your current frequency feel right for you?
Are you preferring to self satisfy rather than engage with your partner?
Does sex feel right for you?
Are you wanting to increase your libido because you’re partners libido doesn’t match yours?
Has there been a recent change in your level of sexual desire? Can you link it to an event or recent health issue?
Sexual desire is much more complicated for women than it is for men and the above questions are a good place to start.
Health Issues That Dampen Your Desire
One of the first places to consider is any potential medical factors that are contributing to your low libido:
Hypothyroidism- (Could be subclinical so worth running in depth pathology testing.)
Hormone Imbalance- (Low oestrogen, low testosterone, high prolactin, menopause)
Depression
Anxiety- High Stress
Chronic illness (Heart disease, diabetes)
Alcohol use
Medications (Oral contraceptive pill, beta-blockers, anti-depressants)
Structural/ Physical Changes- surgeries in the pelvic region (hysterectomy, labour trauma)
Vaginal pain- Pelvic floor dysfunction
The Female Libido Vs Male Libido
Also worth mentioning here is that sexual desire is very different for men and women.
Women- Connection = Sexual Desire
Men- Visual/Physical Stimuli = Sexual Desire
Now I know the above is a gross generalisation, however when we simplify years of research and data to a very basic equation this is the short of it.
I mention it because beyond all of the supplements and herbs I’m going to mention in this post. When I work on the above with my clients, they see significant improvements.
In most cases a woman’s sexual desire is nuanced and doesn’t always come from a visual stimuli.
Libido and your cycle
Generally women experience a peak in libido around ovulation, so between days 10-16 of your cycle when your oestrogen levels are higher.
Your desire is likely to be lowest just before your period and during your period.
Low sex hormones and very low cholesterol (sex hormones are made from cholesterol) can lead to issues with libido, if you have symptoms indicating a hormonal imbalance have these levels tested.
When we start making the transition into menopause these hormones also take a dive and this is one of the most common time to see desire also drop off. The reduction in hormones can lead to vaginal dryness.
Natural support for low sex hormone levels
The following list are commonly used in naturopathic medicine to help support sex hormones:
Tribulus- Studies have shown it to be effective for improving desire and arousal
Red Clover
Panax Gingeng
Tribulus- One study found in menopausal women it improved desire and lubrication.
Maca
Resveratrol
Green tea
Viscum Album
Remember with these recommendations are made on a case by case basis as no two clients are the same, in this way naturopathic medicine is individualised.
New mums
A lack of sexual desire is a common complaint among new mums, and for valid and good reason. If your breastfeeding you’ll have higher levels of prolactin in your system and this will lower libido.
There is also a fair amount of stress and a lack of sleep associated with a new baby and both of these will decrease your libido.
Beyond this some new mums may have had some physical trauma from labour, experiencing a tear or episiotomy, which can take time to heal.
Consider having this further investigated especially if you experience pain on intercourse, vaginal dryness, pain with orgasm, changes in the size and shape of the labia which is considered normal but can cause issues.
General instruction is to abstain from sex for 6-8 weeks post delivery however one study found that 83% of women reported sexual problems at 3 months post birth. This is something that should be considered and there are natural protocols we can do to support healing and reduce stress and anxiety, however again proper investigation is key and treatment is assessed on a case by case basis.
This transition into motherhood can be challenging with many physical changes happening in the body.
As these changes happen you might find a lack of confidence and self esteem, a pre-occupation with how your body looks and feels to you and these can make it very difficult to find the desire to have sex.
Working to make sure you have key nutrients for your body to heal and recover as well as using herbs for managing stress and maintaining energy levels can work beautifully alongside some counselling.
Address the stress
This is the biggest wet blanket and possibly the most common one I see!
Stress and adrenal function are so central to the female libido that I test for it in most clients who are struggling with this health issue.
Stress will kill your desire to have sex, as well as you ability to orgasm, and a huge component of the work I do with my clients is counselling them on how to shift into a place where their nervous system isn’t hijacking their ability to remain in a calm, relaxed state.
If you’re having sex with the goal of having a baby, this can put an enormous amount of stress on both you and the relationship. It’s something I spend time talking about in my fertility sessions with clients, and the importance of having a stress management plan in place as well as prioritising spending time relaxing- connecting without the expectation of it leading to sex.
With a little time and several practical tools we can begin creating a night time routine that’s a little more conducive for a healthy sex life.
There are several herbal medicines and nutraceuticals that are helpful:
Ashwaganda
Rhodiola
Maca- has been found to be helpful even if you’re on anti-depressants
Lemon Balm
Shatavari
Avena Sativa- Nourishes the nervous system and assists with stress
Looking to the relationship
Studies have found that the two highest contributors to a low libido…
Personal stress
Relationship issues or lack of connection
When I’m sitting across from a woman who’s struggling with her level of desire we have to look at how she’s feeling within the relationship because this can be huge contributing factor… ask yourself these questions:
Do you feel loved and cared for?
Do you trust your partner with your fears and vulnerabilities?
Do you feel safe in the relationship?
As women it’s easy for us to forget to look after our own needs, and prioritise everyone else’s, so it may be time to do some reflecting on how you can better look after yourself?
While this can be a confronting area to delve into, it’s amazing how voicing a few small needs can result in significant improvements.
If there are some issues around feeling connected with your partner there are several strategies we can try, there is also the opportunity for relationship or sex counselling with practitioners who specialise in this area.
In the meantime you might be interested in a great book by Esther Perel called Mating in captivity.
A final note on reaching the top of the mountain…
Anorgasmia- is the inability to achieve orgasm or difficulty in getting there. This is a different issue to libido generally speaking and the two issues may co-exist.
This is a very common problem, and while it’s a seperate topic I wanted to mention it here, because on occasion when discussing the topic of libido we uncover that this is in fact a bigger issue or in fact the actual issue.
It’s thought to impact 11-41% of women
There are of course several contributing factors that you may wish to explore here much of what we discussed above can also apply. For now just know it’s a seperate issue to libido because you may still have the desire to initiate sex however your ability to fully enjoy it is the the predominant barrier and you can also work on this.
Sex is a healthy way of forming a deep connection
Relationships have the potential to heal, but we have to fully engage with them.
Sex and desire connects us to a part of ourselves that is primal and it can in itself be a wonderful way of staying in the present moment and healing from the harsh pressures of our every day lives. You can have desire without the relationship and a relationship without desire.
The combination of the two can be achieved, but it may occasionally require a little work and help even from the outside. So please don’t be shy to bring this up with your naturopath or other health practitioners.
Be brave also with your partner and try open up, having the discussion around sex and desire can also help take the pressure off a little. Libido can be a reflection of your overall health, and so working on that including eating well, exercising and lifestyle choices can all play a role.
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